halcyon & on & on

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9.03.2006 - 12:49:00 AM - Cosmic Pope

.tanner - 3 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: THATS FUCKING AWESOME MAN, im getting that too when im old enough

- Anonymous : 10/9/06 10:53 PM  

::. comment: lol i posted the last one. its fucking sweet.

- Kyle Foose : 10/9/06 10:54 PM  

::. comment: Great work!
[url=http://umlhhohz.com/kwvq/ghpk.html]My homepage[/url] | [url=http://atkhctuk.com/ehva/sisd.html]Cool site[/url]

- Anonymous : 15/9/06 2:55 AM  

8.14.2006 - 11:45:00 PM - Threadless $10 Back to School Sale

Threadless is having a $10 shirt sale until August 21st. Get them while you can. Just click on this link and get some really cool shirts at a really cheap price. They're only 10 bucks!. They just released 6 new shirts today. Urban Camouflage is a killer shirt that I just picked up. They'll be releasing 6 new shirts tomorrow and 6 new shirts on wednesday. All for just 10 bucks.

you can also use the coupon code "stay classy" at checkout to get an additional $3 dollars off of the whole order.

I just picked up these two:

Urban Camouflage - Threadless, Best T-shirts Ever

Are You In . . . or Out? - Threadless, Best T-shirts Ever

.tanner - 0 comments - Post a Comment

8.07.2006 - 8:51:00 AM - fotog

.tanner - 2 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: You're adorable!!

- Christen : 7/8/06 2:51 PM  

::. comment: hi brad put link on my blog

- Anonymous : 13/8/06 12:36 AM  

7.16.2006 - 4:20:00 AM - Over My Head

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

.tanner - 4 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Hey man,

I just wanted to say thanx for upping the radio bam episodes, because I don't have sattelite radio or anything caus I live in Belgium. But I love the show a lot, so keep up the good work.


- Anonymous : 17/7/06 1:50 AM  

::. comment: I really loved that....you got some talent!!

- Anonymous : 25/7/06 2:40 PM  

::. comment: Some of your rants don't upload..You should fix 'em. I'd love to read 'em.

- Anonymous : 26/7/06 9:57 PM  

::. comment: christen - its not mine its a song called Over my head by the fray.

I didn't finish all the rants i have em all written, just not in web format. sorry

- tanner : 29/7/06 4:08 PM  

6.18.2006 - 11:51:00 PM - last.fm

.tanner - 0 comments - Post a Comment

6.06.2006 - 4:27:00 AM - 666

Today's 6.6.06 and I guess that means the world is coming to an end or the anti Christ is coming or some crazy shit like that. I really don't care. It's just another day at work for me. If the world ended. I'd be stuck here, infront of a desk, for 10 fucking hours. I guess I'm already in hell.

I know its been a while since my last real journal entry. I've been writing on paper instead of writing on here. My computer at home took a crap on me. I think it has something to do with the hardware, so I'll have to replace that. I'd rather get another tattoo though. I'm at work writing this inbetween crazy calls and tons of emails.

I bet the one person that reads this is wondering; Well it looks like your last couple of entries you weren't doing to good, are things better? Actually I bet no one gives a shit because I'm completely alone but thanks for caring. I'm fucking miserable and I hate it. I'm down in the dumps but hey you know, that's just me, and that's just the pathetic life I live.

I guess I get really tired of being so alone. My good buddy dick, I thought he was a good buddy, but he moved in with his significant other and now I haven't talked to him for about 2 weeks. He hasn't even tried to give me a call to see what's going on. I say fuck that. I knew it was going to happen and I told him that I knew it was going to happen. He blew it off like it was no big deal and that it wouldn't happen. Yeah, I didn't call that one.

So that's one down. My other problem is my brother. I try to talk to him. I try to hang out with him and do stuff with him and he just doesn't give a shit. His demeanor is so emotionless that I don't know if I pissed him off or its just the way he is. Everytime I turn around he's with his girlfriend (I don't blame him for that, but everyday I have off he's with her) or he's with another one of his friends and I'm sitting at my house infront of my TV watching That 70's Show.

I can't stop thinking about her. I don't think that one day has gone by where I haven't thought of her. And its not going away or its not getting less and less everyday. I just can't stop. I think about some of the things we did together. Like played with puppies at the pet store, Meeting each other at borders, going on a hike at camp Penn, or sitting in a pizza place eating a piece of pizza and watching American Idol. I just miss sharing things with her, and having someone care. I miss feeling complete, or atleast not feeling like I have a big hole in my heart. I miss seeing her smile. I miss her grabbing my arm and pulling me close to her. I miss looking into her beautiful eyes. Most of all I miss her love.

Bob Seger - Night Moves

.tanner - 6 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Well Colorado is always an option... I know how you feel though man I'm going through the same fucking emotions

- 420skydiver : 6/6/06 8:13 AM  

::. comment: Yeah, i should have just stayed out there.

- tanner : 6/6/06 8:48 AM  

::. comment: Yeah dude What a SWEET 666 it is. OOPs I mean was I am 2 mins late. Anyway dude yeah I read your journals. Mainly because u are the Radio Bam hookup....gotta say thanks for that one man. Anyway dude keep your head up I go through some of the same shit ups/downs. you'll get through whateva's eating at you.


- Anonymous : 7/6/06 12:10 AM  

::. comment: Hey man I read your blog all the time. You seem like a cool guy, and it seems you have a good job too. The girl thing sucks big time, been there done that one. I'm sure you've heard this a million times but eventually when your not even thinking about it you will find someone else. Its wierd how stuff like that works. Well I know I don't know you man, but if you ever need someone to talk to drop me a comment on my blog and I will give you my IM address.

- Josh : 7/6/06 11:18 AM  

::. comment: It will get better one day sweetheart, I swear. It always seems like things are never going to change, and they won't until you take a proactive approach to changing the things in your life that make you unhappy. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience. You got to live your life for you and for what makes you happy, not for anyone or anything else.

- Christen : 20/6/06 7:29 AM  

::. comment: Dude, I'm not gonna bother putting my name. You can do an ip check, whatev. But yeah, I'm tired of seeing you like this man. Don't think I have sympathy for you, but I know that you are a billion times stronger than this. Get over her. She meant alot, this I know. But, life doesn't revolve around one memory, one instance of time. Life is a constant variable that always throws crazy shit your way. It is what we do with these obstacles, these epic trials of faith that determines are true merit. And right now, your current state indicates a very prominent lacking. Instead of longing for what you once had, revel in new beginnings. Count your blessings and let those spark your motivation and rekindle your flame for life. The shit with Dick, let it go. An unfortunate side effect of growing up is that we lose the luxury of seeing our friends every day. It sucks, but it happens. Be happy for Dick and Casey. And this shit about being alone is completely retarded. You're never alone. The phone works both ways. And it may be true that nobody gives a shit, but that's only because when you are in these moods you bring people down. We remember the Tanner before this chick broke your heart. And for you to be all self loathing and shit is a real bummer. So this is the rant. This is the way I feel. Now, I'm replying to a post that is over a month old so I could just be blowing smoke out my ass and things have gotten better for you. If so, rock on. Best of Luck.

Take Care.

- Anonymous : 23/7/06 9:10 PM  

5.02.2006 - 1:59:00 PM - Threadless $10 Summer Sale

Threadless is having a $10 shirt sale for summer until May 8th at Midnight CST. Get them while you can. Just click on this link and get some really cool shirts at a really cheap price. They're only 10 bucks!

I picked up these two shirts today. I have 6 or 7 now. They're really good shirts and you get some pretty cool designs for a cheap price when you get them on sale.

Threadless.com Product - The Things You Love Threadless.com Product - All's Unfair

So run over to threadless, check out the shirts and post a comment if you get one.

.tanner - 3 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: I see that someone bought a shirt from my link? who did it? What'd you get?

- tanner : 3/5/06 2:31 AM  

::. comment: Was there a radio bam for the week of 5/29/06?

- Anonymous : 30/5/06 4:51 PM  

::. comment: Yo.
The Radio Bam Memorial Day episode is fucked up. It cuts out every few seconds.
What did you do?

- Anonymous : 3/6/06 1:15 AM  

5.01.2006 - 2:03:00 AM - Killing Loneliness Version 2.

HIM's releasing another video for Killing Loneliness today. This is the american version of the video. Previously another version was released that can be found on the downloads page.

.tanner - 6 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: H.I.M rox this version is better tan the other

- Anonymous : 1/5/06 4:41 PM  

::. comment: thats awesome

- Anonymous : 1/5/06 5:40 PM  

::. comment: are you going to put this video on your downloads page I think its better than the other one and i think i would like to download this one. well laters tanner...


- Anonymous : 1/5/06 10:02 PM  

::. comment: I love this new video =)

- Lishia : 2/5/06 7:06 AM  

::. comment: Jose,

I haven't been able to download it yet. It's just a stream from WB.

I think that the other version is better. This one is to american. it just looks like a normal pop video. it's a good video but it definately looks american.

- tanner : 2/5/06 10:11 AM  

::. comment: my freind looks excactly like vilo

- max former overlord : 9/5/06 11:40 PM  

3.22.2006 - 3:31:00 AM - Threadless 10$ Sale

Be sure to check out threadless an on going t-shirt design contest. You can submit your own designs, buy t-shirts, and rate the shirts based on what you like. check it out

Threadless is having a $10 shirt sale for until 10AM CST today. Get them while you can. Just click on this link and get some really cool shirts at a really cheap price. They're only 10 bucks!

.tanner - 10 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Great work, trendwhore!

- Anonymous : 22/3/06 1:19 PM  

::. comment: I need my radio bam!

- Anonymous : 4/4/06 11:39 PM  

::. comment: its up now

- tanner : 5/4/06 1:44 AM  

::. comment: listen to 'starts with goodbye' by carrie underwood....i know its not your style but it will help you understand how i feel.

- Shannon : 9/4/06 8:55 PM  

::. comment: i sent you an email

- tanner : 10/4/06 2:26 AM  

::. comment: I took time out to send you an email about how you were upset and you didn't even have the courtesy to say thanks!

- WaxLyrical : 12/4/06 2:21 AM  

::. comment: I went out of my way to send you an email about how you were upset and you didn't even have the courtesty to say thank you!

- Anonymous : 12/4/06 2:22 AM  

::. comment: I apologize, I'm an inconsiderate piece of shit.

- tanner : 12/4/06 3:11 AM  

::. comment: More Bam Radio Please -

- Anonymous : 14/4/06 8:29 PM  

::. comment: are you going to be posting this weeks Radio Bam on your site.... hoping to download it.... laters tanner...

- Anonymous : 25/4/06 11:51 PM  

3.18.2006 - 3:08:00 PM - Just fucking insanity

It's been quite a crazy week. Stephey got home Sunday or some shit like that. I worked Monday at 1am and I got to see him for the first time in damn near 3 years. Stephey was my best friend my senior year. He joined the army after that. So I went to Colorado and he went to the army. This isn't some Brokeback Mountain shit so don't even start thinking about that. So of course, for posterity sake we drank some alcohol. Well, A LOT of alcohol. It's pretty much a blur but stephey had some hilarious fuckin' stories to tell and he hasn't changed a damn bit. Still same old stephey. He's just a tough mother fucker now. At one point it was so bad that I walked upstairs to take my contacts out and stephey is sitting at the kitchen table with his forehead on the kitchen table. I sat in the living room for a little bit thinking that he was going to get up and go back downstairs and pass out. I hear him start stumbling around and find him pooling his clothes off and takes a shower at about 3 am. My brother found his shorts the next morning in bathroom. Fucking stephey. Hilarious as ever. He had to do the normal family thing for the rest of the week until last nite.

I hooked up with those guys last nite after I ate some pizza and shit with my mom because it was her birthday. Happy birthday Timmy!

I called Stephey and I found out he was going out to Diddy's house. I haven't talked to Diddy since I've been back in PA. I knew that if I went out there that there was going to be drama. There always fucking is.

Dick came over and we went over there to celebrate St. Patty's day. I walked in and saw big frank. He said "hey there buddy, how yah done there buddy, hey its good to see yah buddy". Big frank is simply killer.

I walk down to the room and there's stephey, some chick named Angel, and Diddy. We started playing some pool, drinking some alcohol and quickly found out we ran out. By that time Bo Diddly showed up with the rookie with some Chinese and some Buds.

Bo Diddly and I tipped one off in honor of haven't seeing each other in so long. We rant out so we had to go make a run. Dick, Diddy, and I were going to go to chocolate park but decided that was to far and settled for some beer. When we got back stephey's fucking standing outside of the house with half a pool cue flipping out about someone talking shit about him having STDs. I thought he was fucking around but he wasn't. Angel said she heard someone say that. Of course Stephey was crushed he might not get a piece of ass. Dick apparently said something and Stephey acted like he was going to fight Dick. It was hilarious. I've never seen someone bolt to their car so fast. Dick said "sorry tanner but I have to go" he was my ride. lol. Stepehy's walking over to dick with a pool stick in his hand saying he's not gonna fight him. We restrained stephey and got the pool stick. Still only more drama to come...

Everyone goes back inside and we commence the drinking and pool playing. Mike O shows up with his hot little blonde chick. It was good to see him too. I haven't seen him since we all graduated and its good to hear he's doing good for himself. He only stayed for a little bit.

The next thing you know the rookie and diddy are bitching back and forth at each other. If you knew diddy you'd understand that he's an asshole. He is. I guess it just works for some people. I see Diddy walk over to the rookie as he was trying to leave and shove him into a coffee table. Rookie got up and swung and caught diddy a good one. They started throwing back and forth before diddy threw the rookie onto a the couch. By that time Bo Diddly and I sprung into action and were trying to get them off each other. I had my hand on the rookies face and my other hand on Diddy trying to pull them apart. Bo Diddly was pulling on diddy too. I picked both of them up and got them on the other couch. Bo had diddy in a choke hold and I grabbed the rookie. Bo let diddy go and diddy started swinging at Bo. I separated those two, then bo and the rookie left.

It was quite an eventful night considering my meaningless existence here lately. It was good to get out and see some other people. Some old friends and meet someone I never new before.

But as I sit here and type this I'm still bummed out. My heart still bleeds because it fills so empty. I can't get away from this I can't just shake it. I thought it would be gone by now. But its not...

.tanner - 5 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Dope post, nigga.

- Anonymous : 18/3/06 4:12 PM  

::. comment: Hey tanner, glad you had a good night and i hope you feel better soon.


- joe m : 18/3/06 7:23 PM  

::. comment: Hey Tanner Glad you had a great night, its strange but good meeting someone again that you havnt seen in years and funny seeing how much they have changed.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

- joe m : 18/3/06 7:27 PM  

::. comment: I thought I was reading a post by Snoop Dog himself with all of the bo diddy's and she dizzles. Crazy shit man. Glad you had fun. Thats all I've been doing is having fun. You'll never stop thinking about it so just have fun man

- 420skydiver : 20/3/06 2:54 PM  

::. comment: haha, yeah I didn't want to just come out and use their real names cuz that would be kinda weird. but it does sound like snoop D O Double gizzle.

- tanner : 21/3/06 9:57 AM  

3.08.2006 - 7:24:00 AM - lost

I think I decided to write this because I just don't have anything else to do at work right now. I have been watching movies but I can't right now. It's getting later in the morning so more people are coming in. I'm just sitting here with my thumb in my ass and a phone to my ear waiting... Waiting on that next call to come or that next email to flow through cyber space with some urgent request that they forgot their password. It's a damn shame. I know...

I feel pretty shitty. I've felt shitty all week. It feels like someone just ran and dropped kicked me in the heart. And then got back up and just repeatedly rabid punched me right in the middle of the chest. Or like in a cartoon when someone shoots something and it leaves it completely intact but there's a huge fuckin' hole in the middle of it. That's how I feel. You can probably guess why but I don't really feel like going into it. I'm just hurt. I just miss her and it feels so bad not to talk to someone you care about.

But again I shouldn't really take it so hard. It's happened before. And I keep letting it happen. Is it worth it? I dunno. It's draining. Its never easy thinking about someone you care about being with some other guy or kissing some other guy or walking around camp penn in the summer with some other guy... Depressing, it really is. I know we weren't together but we had seen each other a couple of times since we broke up. And I had a lot of fun. It was so fun to be around her. Our relationship was just so damn complicated but when we weren't technically together it was pretty fun. But I went and bought her Pride and Prejudice and met her for lunch on Friday. I tried to call her back that night and she told me she went out on a date to a movie with another guy. That made me feel really low. It broke my heart completely. I felt like shit. I felt worthless. I felt so damn stupid.

On a good note I did get an email from someone from high school the other day. I googled her name and I found an email address for her. I sent her an email and she actually replied. It was really good to hear from her. Hopefully I get to see her soon.

I want to learn how to fight. I know you're thinking you're a silly bastard tanner. Well yeah but I still want to learn how to fight. I've been watching the UFC a lot lately and I think that's something I'd really like to do. Unfortunately I haven't found a Mixed Martial Arts training facilities around here. It's a damn shame I don't live in Colorado anymore. That would be an awesome place to train because of the elevation and I'm sure there are quite a few places around there.

and for all of you that keep emailing me and asking. The 2 weeks that there aren't shows from radio bam up there they were repeats quite asking. That's why last weeks show was #59. I do have this weeks show but haven't had a chance to put it up yet. I'll try and do that today.

.tanner - 11 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Trust me Tanner, cut all ties with the bitch and don't ever look back. Yes it hurts now, trust me I know, but I promise you'll feel better Especially when you move on and start looking for someone else. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you in pain. Rather know that someday she will want you and you won't want her.

- 420skydiver : 8/3/06 8:21 AM  

::. comment: I don't think that she's a bitch. It's just not easy bro. Maybe we just need to not be together. I dunno man.

- tanner : 8/3/06 9:53 PM  

::. comment: Yeah I would say that you should not be together because its just causing you pain. Look at my situation man. Do you want to stay with her until that happens to you or would you rather cut ties and do the things that make you happy

- 420skydiver : 9/3/06 7:47 AM  

::. comment: I would probably beat that mother fucker to death if what happened to you happened to me. I just can't even fathom doing that to someone. I wish it was easier to shake man. I wish i could just say fuck it but I miss her. All I keep doing is thinking about her with another guy and that fucks with me.

- tanner : 9/3/06 10:37 AM  

::. comment: I feel you man, I still think about Dasia and I still miss her but I had to get over it because it was already too late. So do you get over it because you have to, or do you get over it because you decided it wasn't worth it anymore

- 420skydiver : 9/3/06 6:11 PM  

::. comment: hey man, im sorry all that shit keeps happening to you, it sucks to be hurt like that. you and her were together for so long, i dont think she's gonna be looking at anyone like she looked at you-even if she says she went on a date with some guy

- Anonymous : 12/3/06 1:17 PM  

::. comment: The funny thing is that all this shit keeps happening because of one person. I think thats what bothers me the most is that we've been together for so long and its hard for me to imagine her with another guy like she's just replacing me so quickly. I dunno to much to keep thinking about.

- tanner : 13/3/06 3:54 AM  

::. comment: she can't replace you, she's not going to replace you

- Anonymous : 13/3/06 8:35 AM  

::. comment: Anon - you seem to know a lot about this girl.

I guess thats why she won't even talk to me. Cuz she can't replace me

- tanner : 13/3/06 4:54 PM  

::. comment: The exact same thing with my first love, it was complicated when we were together as a "couple", but once we started hanging out as just two people, it really felt good to see her, and it also felt releiving to not have all of that presure. But I hear you on the feeling stupid part, thats all you can do when getting over a relationship. The worst part of being out of a relashionship is being alone, so hang out with some friends, and try and get over her.

- Alex : 15/3/06 5:01 AM  

::. comment: Being alone is definately the worst part. You think about so many things, like I could see her now. or I know she's not in school now. or it was just perfect the other day and we could have done something outside. I shouldn't think about it but I do. It's just a lot easier said than done.

- tanner : 15/3/06 6:05 AM  

3.02.2006 - 1:33:00 AM - Free Microsoft USB Drive

Free USB Flash Drive from Microsoft. Click on "Valuable Information" on the right column. Answers are 2 and true for the rest.


.tanner - 1 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: - HATE: people that judge others when they dont know them. people that are fake. people that take other shit from people and never stand up for themselves. Taking advantage of others. people that think they know what theyre talking about but they really dont. people that try to copy others. hypocrites. being in love and losing that person. head games. liars. police. 9x5 jobs. growing up. getting up at 4 am. 5 hours of sleep. rednecks. technical support. Help Desk. ITT Tech. Boy bands (includes pop punk bands like good charlotte....now, you wrote this yourself..analyze it and see if any of it makes any sense to you. i know you`ll understand exactly where i`m going with this..if you don`t stand true to the things you believe it makes you just like the rest!!

- Bobby : 9/3/06 8:18 AM  

2.20.2006 - 2:18:00 PM - Radio Bam LIVE! tonight

That's right. I got a buddy named DJ Coleman that set me up with a live feed. You will have to use iTunes or WinAMP to be able to listen to this feed live. I know what you all are thinking. "Does this mean I can't download it later?" ...Hell no I'll put it up as soon as I can get it there but this is just another option to listen to it live. You can get the feed by clicking on the following URL:

.tanner - 9 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Hell yes :)... weekly live stream of Radio Bam. Enjoy guys!

- DJ Coleman : 20/2/06 4:38 PM  

::. comment: Sorry about that this week... I cannot help that it was a repeat. Hopefully next week it will be a new episode.

- DJ Coleman : 20/2/06 7:08 PM  

::. comment: Holy shit, this is rediculous!
awsome job dudes.

- x Steve x : 20/2/06 9:55 PM  

::. comment: Alright guys some news! Next week I'll be starting to play my own music during the week. I will still host the weekly shows of Faction however... thats if I'm on. Though Radio Bam will always be on at 7 PM EST every Monday night. I'll have on great music all the time! So listen anytime :).

- DJ Coleman : 21/2/06 5:53 PM  

::. comment: Hey everyone... Fault Radio needs music. So if you go to the main site of Fault Radio which is http://www.faultradio.com you can submit songs, artists, and albums you would like to hear on Fault Radio. Remember I do not allow rap to be played on my stream.

Submit as many songs as you want! The more the better.

- DJ Coleman : 23/2/06 3:48 PM  

::. comment: http://www.faultradio.com now up with a graphical site, tell your buddies!

- Anonymous : 25/2/06 7:05 PM  

::. comment: Don't allow rap? There are so many good underground rap songs; it's good to keep an open mind sometime.

- Fiftysev3n : 26/2/06 3:30 AM  

::. comment: Fault radio is now playing its own music. http://www.faultmusic.com remember Bam Radio 7 PM EST tomorrow! Please pass the link to everyone you know. Also add requests.

- DJ Coleman : 26/2/06 9:21 PM  

::. comment: Hello everyone... I will have Radio Bam, March 6th. I'm sorry for tonight, I can't help if my IE won't open, etc. I will have it all up for next weeks episode. Sorry again, but come back next week, until then listen to some good rock!

- Coleman : 27/2/06 7:11 PM  

2.14.2006 - 4:43:00 PM - eMOTIVE

For today being Valentine's day it sure is a black day for me. I don't feel right. I feel quite lost. I just started at GDC. I'm starting to get things going back here. But it's like I'm starting at the beginning. I had a job in CO that I wanted. Well I at least had the job title I wanted. Now I'm doing level 1 support again. Am I not being ambitious enough? I thought that it would be ok to start at the beginning and work my way up. I'm only 20. I have time to do that. Someone brought it to my attention that I am lacking ambition. Which is in part true. I've been lazy since I came home to PA. I've been waiting for everything to come to me instead of going to get it. It seems like I want to blame everyone else for my problems or rely on other people to fix these bumps I keep running into. I'm being lazy. Most of it may have to do with coming back home. I got so burnt out from working at IBM and going to school. Then from working at ViaSync where I had to really challenge myself almost everyday. Getting paid for working 6 hours and really being available 10. I wanted to take a break. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a grown up. I wasn't sure if I was ready to leave behind the fun and good times I had in High School. I kinda forced myself into a lot by moving away from home when I was 17 and being thrown into something I'd never been into before. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to grow up yet. I guess I realized last nite after talking to the most important person to me that I had an opportunity to do something great. Whatever it may be. I just have to have the motivation to do it. I think that I have that motivation just at the cost of losing someone that's been more important and influential to me then anyone else I know.

I think I totally lost site of what I wanted or where I want to be. I said that I wanted to go back to school. I just don't know if I can afford it. I don't know if I can take being in debt another 30,000 dollars for 2 more years of school. I was happy when I was done this last degree because it gave me a chance to just work. Right now I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel abandoned.

In most relationships people will want to work on things. Want to make things better for their significant other. Not let them be down when they're down but help them get back up on there feet. I'm not perfect and I know that. I lost site of a lot of things. I know that I should be an adult and figure these things out on my own but some help being pointed in the right direction never hurts.

I've been through so much with this person. Through thick and thin. I've been there through all the ups and downs of nursing school. I've stuck through it all. Right at her side for most of the hard times that she's gone through. Because of the love I have for that person. Because I'd rather die then to see someone that I care more about then anything feel any sort of pain or worry or hurt at all.

I'm a compulsive person. So when I get money I want to have some sort of material possession when in reality I should just save it and do something better with it. Do something good with it. It's like it burns a whole in my pocket. It's my fault it really is. But when I hear some people tell me these things I take it so personal. I should just take it as it is to make me a better person. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I do stuff wrong or that I'm not always right or there are many things that I can do to change my life. And for the better. I see that now but I had to lose someone very dear to me to see it.

The last 2 days have been really heavy on me. I got a bomb dropped on me on Sunday that I wasn't expecting and I didn't know how to deal with it. And then my life just completely flipped upside down again last nite. I just want to take the easy way out. But the easy way isn't always the best way out. I've felt like an outcast here since I came back. I think my family was generally happy when I was gone and I came back and its seems different. It's my own fault for being the way that I am sometimes but being an outsider to everyone doesn't make you feel very good. I just don't think anyone really likes me anymore. I just feel like I'm so alone like I'm the burden of my family and now the girl I truly love.

It's never easy to just let go of someone you care about. I can't just say that it's over and done. I can't just let her go. As much as I've wanted to I haven't been able to do it. Sometimes it seems like it doesn't affect her at all and it just tears me up to think that I might not see her again or I might not hold her again.

Sometimes I think that she doesn't appreciate me tho. I believe in my heart that she loves me but I don't know if she realizes that not everyone would be as willing to go to the lengths that I have for her. I've had other people I've tried different things and it always comes back to her. Everytime because I feel like that if I'm with someone else that I'm settling for less than what I could have or less than what I want. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I feel like this is the best thing that I can get at the time and end up being miserable. I just wish that someday that she would see how much I really do care. I wish we could work on things instead of just ending the relationship. I just know I miss her like crazy and I feel miserable. Time heals all wounds but time has never made me stop loving her any less.

I've always wanted it to just work out. And I always take most of the pressure on myself to make this work. I just wish we could start over sometimes. I know we have so much history but it complicates things sometimes. I wish we could start fresh. I don't know if it's just that we finally have the chance to be together that its almost to good to be true where we can't just stay together. Maybe we're scared of being that committed and getting hurt again.

I don't really know what else to say right now. I have a million things going through my head and it all just hurts. I don't like this feeling. I don't like being without the person that means more to me than anything...

.tanner - 5 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: jeez

im sorry

if i could sum up life in 3 words...it would be

hang in there

- Anonymous : 15/2/06 6:08 PM  

::. comment: I feel your pain bro! Trust me I do! I'm always here to talk if you want man

- 420skydiver : 17/2/06 2:21 PM  

::. comment: sorry you having a bad time.you need to slow down stop thinking so much and look foward to the tiny things in life.i do that then i get cheered up and everything else seems to fall into place.everything happens for a reason.good luck hun

- Anonymous : 18/2/06 5:24 AM  

::. comment: I´m realy sorry for you..
I hope that you and your great love come together one more time.

- Anonymous : 19/2/06 4:45 PM  

::. comment: thanks for your support

- tanner : 19/2/06 6:14 PM  

2.08.2006 - 9:39:00 AM - radio bam 02.06.06

I think yesterday I got about 1,000 emails asking where the newest radio bam was or people telling me it's down. I know. I'm working on that. Last nite I finally got it down to a small file size but whenever I listened to it they started speaking in incredibly slow motion. So I'm sorry about that. I will do my damndest to get it up tonight for all you fuckers to listen to it.

On a good note I got more hits yesterday than I ever have before so thanks people! I'm at work at GDC. I keep forgetting to take my earrings out. I don't have all my accounts and stuff set up so I'm using someone else's. My boss made it sound like the reason for that was because I forget to take my earrings out. Now, I'm fine with that. I understand that it is policy. I'm not doing it to be a rebel or be defiant. I just don't think about having them in there. What I don't understand is how they can make a policy that is only specific to males. Seems a little sexist to me but whatever. It's 2006 not 1945 anymore. Times have changed. I sit at a desk all day, I don't see customers so I really don't think it should matter. But once again what I think doesn't matter. I can't wait until they see my tattoos...

I've been playing tons of Magic: The Gathering lately. I just got a box of Guildpact. Well split a box with my buddy ricky and my brother Casey. I got some pretty decent cards and I love where they are going with these guilds. I just made a black and white deck based off the Orzhov deck and I have a red and white Boros deck from Ravnica. Along with my Type 1 decks. The green and Red Gruul deck looks pretty beastly, I mean that literally. A bunch of huge creatures that are going to be real hard to deal with. I'll probably try and make that deck with the stuff that I got out of the box that I bought.

I bought Waiting... yesterday. What a great movie. I went to watch it last nite but Duke was playing UNC and I just had to watch that. SAW II comes out next week on Valentine's Day. Shit, speaking of that I better go and make reservations to this restaurant I am supposed to take my girl to. Check for the radio bam later tonight...

.tanner - 5 comments - Post a Comment

::. comment: Thanks for everything man!!!


- Anonymous : 8/2/06 3:57 PM  

::. comment: What an asshole lol.

- joe m : 8/2/06 5:16 PM  

::. comment: It definately takes a person with big balls to come here all the time and say you're a faggot this you're a faggot that under the anonymous name. You're definately a winner. You my friend are the real fucking poser.

- tanner : 8/2/06 5:41 PM  

::. comment: when I downloaded it this morning to listen before going to work - I had to take a second and remind myself that I wasn't stoned... I knew you'd figure it out and fix it because you're badass like that.

I'm just super grateful that you work this hard to make sure the rest of us can hear radio bam too - take your time sugar!

- Napachick : 8/2/06 10:02 PM  

::. comment: kristen:
i love your site omg it's the best i go on it like everyday. Radio bam is amazing and your the best for putting new radio bams up, i can't wait till you put up todays
(monday augest28)thanks again keep up the good work!!!

- kristen : 28/8/06 8:14 PM  






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