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For today being Valentine's day it sure is a black day for me. I don't feel right. I feel quite lost. I just started at GDC. I'm starting to get things going back here. But it's like I'm starting at the beginning. I had a job in CO that I wanted. Well I at least had the job title I wanted. Now I'm doing level 1 support again. Am I not being ambitious enough? I thought that it would be ok to start at the beginning and work my way up. I'm only 20. I have time to do that. Someone brought it to my attention that I am lacking ambition. Which is in part true. I've been lazy since I came home to PA. I've been waiting for everything to come to me instead of going to get it. It seems like I want to blame everyone else for my problems or rely on other people to fix these bumps I keep running into. I'm being lazy. Most of it may have to do with coming back home. I got so burnt out from working at IBM and going to school. Then from working at ViaSync where I had to really challenge myself almost everyday. Getting paid for working 6 hours and really being available 10. I wanted to take a break. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a grown up. I wasn't sure if I was ready to leave behind the fun and good times I had in High School. I kinda forced myself into a lot by moving away from home when I was 17 and being thrown into something I'd never been into before. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to grow up yet. I guess I realized last nite after talking to the most important person to me that I had an opportunity to do something great. Whatever it may be. I just have to have the motivation to do it. I think that I have that motivation just at the cost of losing someone that's been more important and influential to me then anyone else I know.
I think I totally lost site of what I wanted or where I want to be. I said that I wanted to go back to school. I just don't know if I can afford it. I don't know if I can take being in debt another 30,000 dollars for 2 more years of school. I was happy when I was done this last degree because it gave me a chance to just work. Right now I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel abandoned.
In most relationships people will want to work on things. Want to make things better for their significant other. Not let them be down when they're down but help them get back up on there feet. I'm not perfect and I know that. I lost site of a lot of things. I know that I should be an adult and figure these things out on my own but some help being pointed in the right direction never hurts.
I've been through so much with this person. Through thick and thin. I've been there through all the ups and downs of nursing school. I've stuck through it all. Right at her side for most of the hard times that she's gone through. Because of the love I have for that person. Because I'd rather die then to see someone that I care more about then anything feel any sort of pain or worry or hurt at all.
I'm a compulsive person. So when I get money I want to have some sort of material possession when in reality I should just save it and do something better with it. Do something good with it. It's like it burns a whole in my pocket. It's my fault it really is. But when I hear some people tell me these things I take it so personal. I should just take it as it is to make me a better person. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I do stuff wrong or that I'm not always right or there are many things that I can do to change my life. And for the better. I see that now but I had to lose someone very dear to me to see it.
The last 2 days have been really heavy on me. I got a bomb dropped on me on Sunday that I wasn't expecting and I didn't know how to deal with it. And then my life just completely flipped upside down again last nite. I just want to take the easy way out. But the easy way isn't always the best way out. I've felt like an outcast here since I came back. I think my family was generally happy when I was gone and I came back and its seems different. It's my own fault for being the way that I am sometimes but being an outsider to everyone doesn't make you feel very good. I just don't think anyone really likes me anymore. I just feel like I'm so alone like I'm the burden of my family and now the girl I truly love.
It's never easy to just let go of someone you care about. I can't just say that it's over and done. I can't just let her go. As much as I've wanted to I haven't been able to do it. Sometimes it seems like it doesn't affect her at all and it just tears me up to think that I might not see her again or I might not hold her again.
Sometimes I think that she doesn't appreciate me tho. I believe in my heart that she loves me but I don't know if she realizes that not everyone would be as willing to go to the lengths that I have for her. I've had other people I've tried different things and it always comes back to her. Everytime because I feel like that if I'm with someone else that I'm settling for less than what I could have or less than what I want. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I feel like this is the best thing that I can get at the time and end up being miserable. I just wish that someday that she would see how much I really do care. I wish we could work on things instead of just ending the relationship. I just know I miss her like crazy and I feel miserable. Time heals all wounds but time has never made me stop loving her any less.
I've always wanted it to just work out. And I always take most of the pressure on myself to make this work. I just wish we could start over sometimes. I know we have so much history but it complicates things sometimes. I wish we could start fresh. I don't know if it's just that we finally have the chance to be together that its almost to good to be true where we can't just stay together. Maybe we're scared of being that committed and getting hurt again.
I don't really know what else to say right now. I have a million things going through my head and it all just hurts. I don't like this feeling. I don't like being without the person that means more to me than anything...
::.comment: sorry you having a bad time.you need to slow down stop thinking so much and look foward to the tiny things in life.i do that then i get cheered up and everything else seems to fall into place.everything happens for a reason.good luck hun
-Anonymous : 18/2/06 5:24 AM
::.comment: I´m realy sorry for you.. I hope that you and your great love come together one more time.
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