6.06.2006 - 4:27:00 AM -
666
Today's 6.6.06 and I guess that means the world is coming to an end or the anti Christ is coming or some crazy shit like that. I really don't care. It's just another day at work for me. If the world ended. I'd be stuck here, infront of a desk, for 10 fucking hours. I guess I'm already in hell.
I know its been a while since my last real journal entry. I've been writing on paper instead of writing on here. My computer at home took a crap on me. I think it has something to do with the hardware, so I'll have to replace that. I'd rather get another tattoo though. I'm at work writing this inbetween crazy calls and tons of emails.
I bet the one person that reads this is wondering; Well it looks like your last couple of entries you weren't doing to good, are things better? Actually I bet no one gives a shit because I'm completely alone but thanks for caring. I'm fucking miserable and I hate it. I'm down in the dumps but hey you know, that's just me, and that's just the pathetic life I live.
I guess I get really tired of being so alone. My good buddy dick, I thought he was a good buddy, but he moved in with his significant other and now I haven't talked to him for about 2 weeks. He hasn't even tried to give me a call to see what's going on. I say fuck that. I knew it was going to happen and I told him that I knew it was going to happen. He blew it off like it was no big deal and that it wouldn't happen. Yeah, I didn't call that one.
So that's one down. My other problem is my brother. I try to talk to him. I try to hang out with him and do stuff with him and he just doesn't give a shit. His demeanor is so emotionless that I don't know if I pissed him off or its just the way he is. Everytime I turn around he's with his girlfriend (I don't blame him for that, but everyday I have off he's with her) or he's with another one of his friends and I'm sitting at my house infront of my TV watching That 70's Show.
I can't stop thinking about her. I don't think that one day has gone by where I haven't thought of her. And its not going away or its not getting less and less everyday. I just can't stop. I think about some of the things we did together. Like played with puppies at the pet store, Meeting each other at borders, going on a hike at camp Penn, or sitting in a pizza place eating a piece of pizza and watching American Idol. I just miss sharing things with her, and having someone care. I miss feeling complete, or atleast not feeling like I have a big hole in my heart. I miss seeing her smile. I miss her grabbing my arm and pulling me close to her. I miss looking into her beautiful eyes. Most of all I miss her love.
Bob Seger - Night MovesLabels: 666, Journal, Just one of those days
.tanner - 6 comments - Post a Comment
::.
comment: Well Colorado is always an option... I know how you feel though man I'm going through the same fucking emotions
::.
comment: Yeah, i should have just stayed out there.
::.
comment: Yeah dude What a SWEET 666 it is. OOPs I mean was I am 2 mins late. Anyway dude yeah I read your journals. Mainly because u are the Radio Bam hookup....gotta say thanks for that one man. Anyway dude keep your head up I go through some of the same shit ups/downs. you'll get through whateva's eating at you.
~Greg
::.
comment: Hey man I read your blog all the time. You seem like a cool guy, and it seems you have a good job too. The girl thing sucks big time, been there done that one. I'm sure you've heard this a million times but eventually when your not even thinking about it you will find someone else. Its wierd how stuff like that works. Well I know I don't know you man, but if you ever need someone to talk to drop me a comment on my blog and I will give you my IM address.
Peace
Josh
::.
comment: It will get better one day sweetheart, I swear. It always seems like things are never going to change, and they won't until you take a proactive approach to changing the things in your life that make you unhappy. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience. You got to live your life for you and for what makes you happy, not for anyone or anything else.
::.
comment: Dude, I'm not gonna bother putting my name. You can do an ip check, whatev. But yeah, I'm tired of seeing you like this man. Don't think I have sympathy for you, but I know that you are a billion times stronger than this. Get over her. She meant alot, this I know. But, life doesn't revolve around one memory, one instance of time. Life is a constant variable that always throws crazy shit your way. It is what we do with these obstacles, these epic trials of faith that determines are true merit. And right now, your current state indicates a very prominent lacking. Instead of longing for what you once had, revel in new beginnings. Count your blessings and let those spark your motivation and rekindle your flame for life. The shit with Dick, let it go. An unfortunate side effect of growing up is that we lose the luxury of seeing our friends every day. It sucks, but it happens. Be happy for Dick and Casey. And this shit about being alone is completely retarded. You're never alone. The phone works both ways. And it may be true that nobody gives a shit, but that's only because when you are in these moods you bring people down. We remember the Tanner before this chick broke your heart. And for you to be all self loathing and shit is a real bummer. So this is the rant. This is the way I feel. Now, I'm replying to a post that is over a month old so I could just be blowing smoke out my ass and things have gotten better for you. If so, rock on. Best of Luck.
Take Care.
3.08.2006 - 7:24:00 AM -
lost
I think I decided to write this because I just don't have anything else to do at work right now. I have been watching movies but I can't right now. It's getting later in the morning so more people are coming in. I'm just sitting here with my thumb in my ass and a phone to my ear waiting... Waiting on that next call to come or that next email to flow through cyber space with some urgent request that they forgot their password. It's a damn shame. I know...
I feel pretty shitty. I've felt shitty all week. It feels like someone just ran and dropped kicked me in the heart. And then got back up and just repeatedly rabid punched me right in the middle of the chest. Or like in a cartoon when someone shoots something and it leaves it completely intact but there's a huge fuckin' hole in the middle of it. That's how I feel. You can probably guess why but I don't really feel like going into it. I'm just hurt. I just miss her and it feels so bad not to talk to someone you care about.
But again I shouldn't really take it so hard. It's happened before. And I keep letting it happen. Is it worth it? I dunno. It's draining. Its never easy thinking about someone you care about being with some other guy or kissing some other guy or walking around camp penn in the summer with some other guy... Depressing, it really is. I know we weren't together but we had seen each other a couple of times since we broke up. And I had a lot of fun. It was so fun to be around her. Our relationship was just so damn complicated but when we weren't technically together it was pretty fun. But I went and bought her Pride and Prejudice and met her for lunch on Friday. I tried to call her back that night and she told me she went out on a date to a movie with another guy. That made me feel really low. It broke my heart completely. I felt like shit. I felt worthless. I felt so damn stupid.
On a good note I did get an email from someone from high school the other day. I googled her name and I found an email address for her. I sent her an email and she actually replied. It was really good to hear from her. Hopefully I get to see her soon.
I want to learn how to fight. I know you're thinking you're a silly bastard tanner. Well yeah but I still want to learn how to fight. I've been watching the UFC a lot lately and I think that's something I'd really like to do. Unfortunately I haven't found a Mixed Martial Arts training facilities around here. It's a damn shame I don't live in Colorado anymore. That would be an awesome place to train because of the elevation and I'm sure there are quite a few places around there.
and for all of you that keep emailing me and asking. The 2 weeks that there aren't shows from radio bam up there they were repeats quite asking. That's why last weeks show was #59. I do have this weeks show but haven't had a chance to put it up yet. I'll try and do that today.Labels: Journal, Just one of those days, lost
.tanner - 11 comments - Post a Comment
::.
comment: Trust me Tanner, cut all ties with the bitch and don't ever look back. Yes it hurts now, trust me I know, but I promise you'll feel better Especially when you move on and start looking for someone else. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you in pain. Rather know that someday she will want you and you won't want her.
::.
comment: I don't think that she's a bitch. It's just not easy bro. Maybe we just need to not be together. I dunno man.
::.
comment: Yeah I would say that you should not be together because its just causing you pain. Look at my situation man. Do you want to stay with her until that happens to you or would you rather cut ties and do the things that make you happy
::.
comment: I would probably beat that mother fucker to death if what happened to you happened to me. I just can't even fathom doing that to someone. I wish it was easier to shake man. I wish i could just say fuck it but I miss her. All I keep doing is thinking about her with another guy and that fucks with me.
::.
comment: I feel you man, I still think about Dasia and I still miss her but I had to get over it because it was already too late. So do you get over it because you have to, or do you get over it because you decided it wasn't worth it anymore
::.
comment: hey man, im sorry all that shit keeps happening to you, it sucks to be hurt like that. you and her were together for so long, i dont think she's gonna be looking at anyone like she looked at you-even if she says she went on a date with some guy
::.
comment: The funny thing is that all this shit keeps happening because of one person. I think thats what bothers me the most is that we've been together for so long and its hard for me to imagine her with another guy like she's just replacing me so quickly. I dunno to much to keep thinking about.
::.
comment: she can't replace you, she's not going to replace you
::.
comment: Anon - you seem to know a lot about this girl.
I guess thats why she won't even talk to me. Cuz she can't replace me
::.
comment: The exact same thing with my first love, it was complicated when we were together as a "couple", but once we started hanging out as just two people, it really felt good to see her, and it also felt releiving to not have all of that presure. But I hear you on the feeling stupid part, thats all you can do when getting over a relationship. The worst part of being out of a relashionship is being alone, so hang out with some friends, and try and get over her.
::.
comment: Being alone is definately the worst part. You think about so many things, like I could see her now. or I know she's not in school now. or it was just perfect the other day and we could have done something outside. I shouldn't think about it but I do. It's just a lot easier said than done.
2.14.2006 - 4:43:00 PM -
eMOTIVE
For today being Valentine's day it sure is a black day for me. I don't feel right. I feel quite lost. I just started at GDC. I'm starting to get things going back here. But it's like I'm starting at the beginning. I had a job in CO that I wanted. Well I at least had the job title I wanted. Now I'm doing level 1 support again. Am I not being ambitious enough? I thought that it would be ok to start at the beginning and work my way up. I'm only 20. I have time to do that. Someone brought it to my attention that I am lacking ambition. Which is in part true. I've been lazy since I came home to PA. I've been waiting for everything to come to me instead of going to get it. It seems like I want to blame everyone else for my problems or rely on other people to fix these bumps I keep running into. I'm being lazy. Most of it may have to do with coming back home. I got so burnt out from working at IBM and going to school. Then from working at ViaSync where I had to really challenge myself almost everyday. Getting paid for working 6 hours and really being available 10. I wanted to take a break. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a grown up. I wasn't sure if I was ready to leave behind the fun and good times I had in High School. I kinda forced myself into a lot by moving away from home when I was 17 and being thrown into something I'd never been into before. I just wasn't sure if I was ready to grow up yet. I guess I realized last nite after talking to the most important person to me that I had an opportunity to do something great. Whatever it may be. I just have to have the motivation to do it. I think that I have that motivation just at the cost of losing someone that's been more important and influential to me then anyone else I know.
I think I totally lost site of what I wanted or where I want to be. I said that I wanted to go back to school. I just don't know if I can afford it. I don't know if I can take being in debt another 30,000 dollars for 2 more years of school. I was happy when I was done this last degree because it gave me a chance to just work. Right now I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel abandoned.
In most relationships people will want to work on things. Want to make things better for their significant other. Not let them be down when they're down but help them get back up on there feet. I'm not perfect and I know that. I lost site of a lot of things. I know that I should be an adult and figure these things out on my own but some help being pointed in the right direction never hurts.
I've been through so much with this person. Through thick and thin. I've been there through all the ups and downs of nursing school. I've stuck through it all. Right at her side for most of the hard times that she's gone through. Because of the love I have for that person. Because I'd rather die then to see someone that I care more about then anything feel any sort of pain or worry or hurt at all.
I'm a compulsive person. So when I get money I want to have some sort of material possession when in reality I should just save it and do something better with it. Do something good with it. It's like it burns a whole in my pocket. It's my fault it really is. But when I hear some people tell me these things I take it so personal. I should just take it as it is to make me a better person. Sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I do stuff wrong or that I'm not always right or there are many things that I can do to change my life. And for the better. I see that now but I had to lose someone very dear to me to see it.
The last 2 days have been really heavy on me. I got a bomb dropped on me on Sunday that I wasn't expecting and I didn't know how to deal with it. And then my life just completely flipped upside down again last nite. I just want to take the easy way out. But the easy way isn't always the best way out. I've felt like an outcast here since I came back. I think my family was generally happy when I was gone and I came back and its seems different. It's my own fault for being the way that I am sometimes but being an outsider to everyone doesn't make you feel very good. I just don't think anyone really likes me anymore. I just feel like I'm so alone like I'm the burden of my family and now the girl I truly love.
It's never easy to just let go of someone you care about. I can't just say that it's over and done. I can't just let her go. As much as I've wanted to I haven't been able to do it. Sometimes it seems like it doesn't affect her at all and it just tears me up to think that I might not see her again or I might not hold her again.
Sometimes I think that she doesn't appreciate me tho. I believe in my heart that she loves me but I don't know if she realizes that not everyone would be as willing to go to the lengths that I have for her. I've had other people I've tried different things and it always comes back to her. Everytime because I feel like that if I'm with someone else that I'm settling for less than what I could have or less than what I want. I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I feel like this is the best thing that I can get at the time and end up being miserable. I just wish that someday that she would see how much I really do care. I wish we could work on things instead of just ending the relationship. I just know I miss her like crazy and I feel miserable. Time heals all wounds but time has never made me stop loving her any less.
I've always wanted it to just work out. And I always take most of the pressure on myself to make this work. I just wish we could start over sometimes. I know we have so much history but it complicates things sometimes. I wish we could start fresh. I don't know if it's just that we finally have the chance to be together that its almost to good to be true where we can't just stay together. Maybe we're scared of being that committed and getting hurt again.
I don't really know what else to say right now. I have a million things going through my head and it all just hurts. I don't like this feeling. I don't like being without the person that means more to me than anything...Labels: eMOTIVE, Journal, Just one of those days, Valentines Day
.tanner - 5 comments - Post a Comment
::.
comment: jeez
im sorry
if i could sum up life in 3 words...it would be
"LIFE GOES ON"
hang in there
::.
comment: I feel your pain bro! Trust me I do! I'm always here to talk if you want man
::.
comment: sorry you having a bad time.you need to slow down stop thinking so much and look foward to the tiny things in life.i do that then i get cheered up and everything else seems to fall into place.everything happens for a reason.good luck hun
::.
comment: I´m realy sorry for you..
I hope that you and your great love come together one more time.
::.
comment: thanks for your support
10.17.2005 - 8:52:00 AM -
forgive and forget
There are a lot of things I've wanted to write down or say here lately I just haven't had the time. I've been busy studying for my MCP exam, which I take today in about 5 hours. I'm on 4 hours of sleep and trying to study some more. I've been up since 6 AM. I really should be studying right this very second but I have one thing going through my head I just can't shake. I'll get to that in a minute, I need to brush my teeth.
That's much better, there is nothing more repulsive then the fresh taste of morning breath.
I gotta get this off my mind and I'm hoping by writing it down that it will help. I have been talking to Shannon again. We never really stopped as it had seemed she'd seen the error of her ways. So things were getting back to the way they were before. Not completely but it seemed like that was the direction it was going anyway. Mind you I'm moving back to PA, Nov. 1st give or take a day. She's sent me love letters in the mail that she made, She drew, etc. I thought awww that's cute and I sincerely felt love for the girl after that. On Saturday, she flat out tells me she's been going on dates with other guys. So why all the effort to make me fall in love with her again and then just throw it all away again. I was dumb enough to fall for it again. I guess that's the price you pay for loving someone.
And I generally did love the girl. I've loved her from the moment I met her. In my math class when I was a sophomore in High School. I'm 20 now. That's the amazing part of it all. We've been through so much shit together and gone through so much to even have the chance to talk to each other without going behind her parents back. When I was a sophomore I wrote something stupid in her yearbook. Her parents saw it and decided that we shouldn't talk anymore. So all throughout H.S. we would talk here in there, hook up here and there and it was all a big cluster fuck. When I decided to move out to PA we hung out with each other for that last week I was there. I'll admit it was good times.
Shortly after that she said she wanted to be with me and she would do whatever it would take to be my girl. So I believed her. Then she changed her mind. It wasn't the first time in this soap opera that is my life with Shannon Rodgers. So it hurts, It always does but I got over it to only have her do the same thing to me a few months later. Then we got back together again and stayed together for what seemed like a long time.
She'd go to my house and see my parents while I was away in Colorado, She'd always come to the airport with them whenever they picked me up. It was always good to see her right when I got off the plane. So things seemed to be going well until the last journal entry I wrote. So I gave it some time because I knew this has happened before. I knew the outcome I knew what would happen. She said she saw the error of her ways. She said she had to realize I wasn't wrapped around her little finger. Well apparently she still thinks I am.
I told her yesterday that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. As hard as it may seem to tell someone they once generally loved they don't ever want to talk to them anymore; it was a big relief. That and writing all this shit down.
I guess what I don't understand out of everything is the deceitfulness of her actions. I mean you write me love letters saying you want me to fall in love with you again and then you turn around go on a date. You tell me you want to be with me and you turn around and stab me in the back. Not for the first time. More like the 10th. She'd turn around and say, "I've been thinking about you all day" or "I took a test a big test. The professor said nobody did real well." So she's worried. Who's there for her? Me. Who said it will be alright? Me. She got a 73.
Another funny thing was my Uncle was out in CO on vacation in the end of September. They found out about the situation with her and I and insisted I get back together with her. "Tanner, She's a naturally beautiful girl" "You need to get back with her." They kept telling me that over and over again. And I didn't want to jump the gun. I didn't want to pull that trigger because I know something stupid could happen. Well it did.
She was the only person that I knew from back home that came to visit me in CO. She's the only one that really knows the situation that I am in out here. She's really the only person that I've kept in touch with since I moved from Waynesboro to CO. All the little shit doesn't seem to matter to her, but it's those little things that bother me the most. The trust I put into her. The things I did with her. It all mattered to me. Those are the things that I think about when stuff like this happens. Not all the romantic stuff, not all the bad stuff, the little things that make a relationship what they are. There's a quote from a movie that I love that talks about the little things being trivial. And like Eric Draven said, believe me. They aren't.
I still have all the pictures and other memorabilia of her around my room. Although I am moving I still haven't cleaned it up yet. Anything everything that remotely reminds me of her will be gone tonight. Except my tattoo. God that was a mistake. I'm gonna have to get it covered up. I'm going to have to get it changed. I don't want the same tattoo as her anymore.
So why all this writing if it doesn't matter? Well its my journal and I can do whatever I want. I just had to get some things off my chest that I know I couldn't say to her on the phone because I wouldn't want to hurt her. It's not about that anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt myself.
I have finally come to the realization after all these years and all this time and all this heartache that she really isn't worth it. To put myself through this over and over really isn't worth it. So I ask myself do you really love her? I can honestly say, in my heart I feel absolutely no love for this girl anymore. I'm done with this chapter of my life. I'm closing the book for good.Labels: Forgive and Forget, Journal, Just one of those days
.tanner - 1 comments - Post a Comment
::.
comment: I'm glad your friends get to see your side of the story. Maybe if you watched TV instead of spend time with them, or smoked a bowl instead of being with them, maybe if they had to practically beg you for something as simple as dressing up on their birthday, maybe they would understand. And the little things mean something to you? Since when? I guess that is just a recent revelation that you've had. I'm sure if they put up with as much as I did, tried as hard as I did, with not even a simple, "You look pretty today", or a, "I love spending time with you" or maybe just for once, "Even though viva la bam's on, im gonna talk to you anyway because I love you" they just might understand where I am coming from. Its possible that I just dont have the energy to keep putting into a relationship with someone who cant just hold me every now and then without thinking im needy. And excuse me for wanting to be close to you when I fly 2,000 miles to see you. I'm sorry im interupting the Ultimate Fighting Championship that you freakin have on DVD that you could easily watch some other time. I suppose I was just a sorry excuse for a girlfriend because I shot the relationship I had with my parents to hell trying to be with you, trying to make them understand you are a great, and caring guy. So I do sincerely apologize for looking for someone else who can treat me like someone they love and show me that they appreciate me.
9.12.2005 - 1:18:00 AM -
broken
This is an entry in my journal from earlier today:
I haven't written in here for a while. Ever since I've been done with school I've had to work more so less time for me to get things done. I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I didn't expect to be so chaotic (work). Dale and I aren't really getting along. I get tired of him ragging on me and calling me stupid.. or at least acting like I'm stupid. (we kind of had an argument about it recently and we haven't been talking much about it since; I'm through with trying to be someone's friend if they talk down to me.) My boss wants me to get an MCSE certification by October 1. That's Huge; and with regular work continuing to pile up I know how I'm going to get that done. Luck maybe..
I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch all the time. Like my life is so horrible; there are plenty of people that are worse off then I am but I need to get it out.
Shannon broke up with me today. She said she needed some time. Like all we had left to do as a couple was get married. (It's kinda complicated to talk about or to write everything out as to what she was feeling) I hadn't really planned it out. I'm the kind of person that lives moment to moment anyway. I wanted to give it a shot and see if we worked as a normal couple. Not this long distance deal but just be normal for once. We have a lot of history between us.(and I mean A LOT) We have matching tattoos for Christ's sake. (what to do about that now) Under this book is a collage of pictures of me and her. I just have a lot of constant reminders of her and I or us..
I care about her a lot. But this isn't the first time this has happened. Or well this isn't the first time she's done this to me. I've lost count its happened so many times. It seemed like our relationship had become routine. I guess so. I just wish she could waited another month and a half to really give us a chance.
Strangely it doesn't hurt as much this time. I was totally surprised by it' I didn't expect it to happen. I guess after going through this so many times with the same person you get used to it. I'm used to getting heart broken?
I've been thinking about it a lot since about 3pm (that's when I got the call). It sucks.. It really does I'm not going to worry myself over it. It's not worth it.
I'm done with this stuff. I've let it happen to many times. I can't keep doing it this way. It's not fair to me. I'm not perfect nobody is but I don't deserve this over and over and over again. Not from the same girl.
The big question always is will you take her back?
When stuff like this happens for some reason I think in extremes. Like I should do this now or do that. I'll see how this plays out.
The good thing is HIM is playing Denver @ the ogden on 10.19.05. I am going to go! This time I have to. I missed cky, clucth and some other good shows this summer. I'm going to try and get my ticket on pay day (Friday).
I still have my journal open in front of me but I wanted to put it on my page. For attention maybe? I dunno. Maybe it just helps me deal with it. Maybe I'll get an email out there from someone that is going through this and wants to share their story. I'm sorry if its kinda complacent or it doesn't make sense. I was just trying to write my thoughts down. I guess this might be the best way to deal with it. I'm going to go for now. I'll see if I can write anything else and if not I have to go to bed; I have a meeting in the morning at 7am. Thanks chuck.
I almost forgot to write about my tattoos. This is one thing I've been thinking about more and more lately. I have 3 as it is and I definitely want more. I realized after watching Miami Ink and finding out the representation of what a Koi fish means I really want to get one tattooed on me. I think I'll probably get it on my arm under the Tribal Sun I have. I also want to get a smiling Buddha on my leg, I think that would look good. I know Dave-O from crapville is tattooing now. I hope to get one from him someday. Someday when I make it to Miami and finally get to party with tony and dave-o and my little beatch Brandon.Labels: Blog, Journal, Just one of those days, Tattoo
.tanner - 6 comments - Post a Comment
::.
comment: We never know exactly what obstacles life is going to place before us as we grow and learn. What matters is how WE grow and learn from overcoming those obstacles!!
::.
comment: no offense mate but id remove shannon from loves
::.
comment: Tanner man you are a better person then she is. You stayed true and I never heard anything negative towards her. You always were really loving and caring to her. The way I see it at least you find out the way she is now rather then later. There are alot of better fish in the sea! Its time to move away from thoughtless cold hearted bitches and move up to someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
::.
comment: i'm sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend...that sucks, but it sounds like you have a lot going on for yourself right now to distract you at least, and you're still young, so have fun:) oh, and Anonymous, your comment is absolutely brilliant-did you lose many brain cells comin' up with ALL that? retard...
::.
comment: You should ask yourself that question anonymous because that is a good question! Why are you such a faggot?
Why do you come to this site only to talk shit? Does your vagina hurt? Maybe you should get a life outside of the intarweb you fucking pussy.
::.
comment: Only a true faggot posts under an anonymous name and talks shit. you must smoke alot of pole...pussy
|
.main
: .articles : .entity : .irie :
.art
: .serv :
.cam
: .forum
: .tm 
