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There are a lot of things I've wanted to write down or say here lately I just haven't had the time. I've been busy studying for my MCP exam, which I take today in about 5 hours. I'm on 4 hours of sleep and trying to study some more. I've been up since 6 AM. I really should be studying right this very second but I have one thing going through my head I just can't shake. I'll get to that in a minute, I need to brush my teeth.
That's much better, there is nothing more repulsive then the fresh taste of morning breath.
I gotta get this off my mind and I'm hoping by writing it down that it will help. I have been talking to Shannon again. We never really stopped as it had seemed she'd seen the error of her ways. So things were getting back to the way they were before. Not completely but it seemed like that was the direction it was going anyway. Mind you I'm moving back to PA, Nov. 1st give or take a day. She's sent me love letters in the mail that she made, She drew, etc. I thought awww that's cute and I sincerely felt love for the girl after that. On Saturday, she flat out tells me she's been going on dates with other guys. So why all the effort to make me fall in love with her again and then just throw it all away again. I was dumb enough to fall for it again. I guess that's the price you pay for loving someone.
And I generally did love the girl. I've loved her from the moment I met her. In my math class when I was a sophomore in High School. I'm 20 now. That's the amazing part of it all. We've been through so much shit together and gone through so much to even have the chance to talk to each other without going behind her parents back. When I was a sophomore I wrote something stupid in her yearbook. Her parents saw it and decided that we shouldn't talk anymore. So all throughout H.S. we would talk here in there, hook up here and there and it was all a big cluster fuck. When I decided to move out to PA we hung out with each other for that last week I was there. I'll admit it was good times.
Shortly after that she said she wanted to be with me and she would do whatever it would take to be my girl. So I believed her. Then she changed her mind. It wasn't the first time in this soap opera that is my life with Shannon Rodgers. So it hurts, It always does but I got over it to only have her do the same thing to me a few months later. Then we got back together again and stayed together for what seemed like a long time.
She'd go to my house and see my parents while I was away in Colorado, She'd always come to the airport with them whenever they picked me up. It was always good to see her right when I got off the plane. So things seemed to be going well until the last journal entry I wrote. So I gave it some time because I knew this has happened before. I knew the outcome I knew what would happen. She said she saw the error of her ways. She said she had to realize I wasn't wrapped around her little finger. Well apparently she still thinks I am.
I told her yesterday that I didn't want to talk to her anymore. As hard as it may seem to tell someone they once generally loved they don't ever want to talk to them anymore; it was a big relief. That and writing all this shit down.
I guess what I don't understand out of everything is the deceitfulness of her actions. I mean you write me love letters saying you want me to fall in love with you again and then you turn around go on a date. You tell me you want to be with me and you turn around and stab me in the back. Not for the first time. More like the 10th. She'd turn around and say, "I've been thinking about you all day" or "I took a test a big test. The professor said nobody did real well." So she's worried. Who's there for her? Me. Who said it will be alright? Me. She got a 73.
Another funny thing was my Uncle was out in CO on vacation in the end of September. They found out about the situation with her and I and insisted I get back together with her. "Tanner, She's a naturally beautiful girl" "You need to get back with her." They kept telling me that over and over again. And I didn't want to jump the gun. I didn't want to pull that trigger because I know something stupid could happen. Well it did.
She was the only person that I knew from back home that came to visit me in CO. She's the only one that really knows the situation that I am in out here. She's really the only person that I've kept in touch with since I moved from Waynesboro to CO. All the little shit doesn't seem to matter to her, but it's those little things that bother me the most. The trust I put into her. The things I did with her. It all mattered to me. Those are the things that I think about when stuff like this happens. Not all the romantic stuff, not all the bad stuff, the little things that make a relationship what they are. There's a quote from a movie that I love that talks about the little things being trivial. And like Eric Draven said, believe me. They aren't.
I still have all the pictures and other memorabilia of her around my room. Although I am moving I still haven't cleaned it up yet. Anything everything that remotely reminds me of her will be gone tonight. Except my tattoo. God that was a mistake. I'm gonna have to get it covered up. I'm going to have to get it changed. I don't want the same tattoo as her anymore.
So why all this writing if it doesn't matter? Well its my journal and I can do whatever I want. I just had to get some things off my chest that I know I couldn't say to her on the phone because I wouldn't want to hurt her. It's not about that anymore. I'm tired of getting hurt myself.
I have finally come to the realization after all these years and all this time and all this heartache that she really isn't worth it. To put myself through this over and over really isn't worth it. So I ask myself do you really love her? I can honestly say, in my heart I feel absolutely no love for this girl anymore. I'm done with this chapter of my life. I'm closing the book for good.
::.comment: I'm glad your friends get to see your side of the story. Maybe if you watched TV instead of spend time with them, or smoked a bowl instead of being with them, maybe if they had to practically beg you for something as simple as dressing up on their birthday, maybe they would understand. And the little things mean something to you? Since when? I guess that is just a recent revelation that you've had. I'm sure if they put up with as much as I did, tried as hard as I did, with not even a simple, "You look pretty today", or a, "I love spending time with you" or maybe just for once, "Even though viva la bam's on, im gonna talk to you anyway because I love you" they just might understand where I am coming from. Its possible that I just dont have the energy to keep putting into a relationship with someone who cant just hold me every now and then without thinking im needy. And excuse me for wanting to be close to you when I fly 2,000 miles to see you. I'm sorry im interupting the Ultimate Fighting Championship that you freakin have on DVD that you could easily watch some other time. I suppose I was just a sorry excuse for a girlfriend because I shot the relationship I had with my parents to hell trying to be with you, trying to make them understand you are a great, and caring guy. So I do sincerely apologize for looking for someone else who can treat me like someone they love and show me that they appreciate me.
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